This is about the Indie Coffee Passport

As a local non-celebrity, I often (never) get asked “What exactly is glamour and how can I become glamourous?” My answer is this: Glamour is what I am and you can become glamourous by doing what I do. And one of my favourite things to do right now is go to a cafe, pretend to write, drink a fancy drink and look like a hot bitch while doing it. Truth bomb: I’m by no means a coffee snob and in fact I will usually only drink it if I need the caffeine or if I want to look cool while walking down the street. I don’t drink it for the taste. I drink it to be a pawn in this capitalistic society and I’ve got no problems with it. But then a pal of mine (who from henceforth shall be deemed AW) introduced me to the Indie Coffee Passport. The conversation went as followed:
AW: Hey, you should get an Indie Coffee Passport
AP: What’s that?
AW: You buy a passport for $25 and it gives you a list of 30 independent cafes around the city that you can get any drink under $4 for free. So you basically get a bunch of free drinks.
AP: Nah.
AW: ……. But you should get it though, right? It’s really cool.
AP: QUIT BOSSING ME AROUND.
AW: I’m not.
AP: GHALKEHRALEHRLAHLBAKHGOIRWIHROAHOAHROAHOHAORHGOAH!!!!
VERBATIM.
Anyway, I ended up getting one and let me tell you, I AM SOLD. This is easily my favourite purchase in the past month and that includes a pair of hideous red and white American flag-esque cotton leggings I bought at H&M as a hilarious joke and because they were only $10. So basically you can see what a big deal this has been to me. I got mine 3 weeks ago and I’ve already been to 9 out of the 30 so far. And if my enthusiasm doesn’t wane (which I don’t see happening…. FREE COFFEE HELLO), I can easily see myself getting another one as soon as I’m done this.
Here’s why it’s glamourous:
  1. Easy adventures – We’ve all been there where we’re bored and we just have to get out of the house, but everything that you normally do is just not good enough. All the stores and eateries nearby are just too tired and will bore you even more. You need to go somewhere new, you need an adventure in a new neigbourhood. The Indie Coffee Passport is so great because it gives you a reason to go all the way to Riverdale and some place called the “Danforth.” As someone who’s heart is planted firmly in the West End, sometimes you need an incentive to leave it. The West End doesn’t have a cool farm, like Riverdale does. We do, however, have a zoo in High Park, but that’s full of the saddest bison you’ll ever see in your damn life. Honestly, I would totally open the gates to that sad, sad place one day and let the animals run free, except they’d probably just end up going to Comfort Zone to do some lines of coke before hanging themselves from a ceiling fan at the Waverly Hotel.
  2. You’re essentially getting 26 free drinks – What’s more glamourous than dropping a bunch of money as you take yourself on a date? SPENDING NO MONEY. Boom. Take that $4 you were gonna spend, put it in your pocket, feel that jingle jangle of money saved, AND THEN SPEND IT ON A LIPSTICK! You only need to get 5 drinks to get 1 MAC lipstick. So you’re basically buying 3 lipsticks with this. If you don’t think that’s glamourous, don’t ever look at my face.
  3. You’re supporting businesses that actually need it – Obviously the whole purpose of this Coffee Passport is to get away from the Starbucks and Tim Horton’s and even Dark Horse or Crema or Lit Espresso (they’ve got their own Disloyalty Card), and go to a smaller business, which is great. You go for the free drink, but will keep coming back for the great service, ambiance, coffee etc. Realistically, I won’t go back to all of them and actually pay, but I definitely have discovered some gems that I have every intention of returning to. Please see Wibke’s and R2‘s (respectively) beautiful creations below.
  4. You look cool sitting in a cafe – Seriously. Do I know the difference between a macchiato and an espresso? No. Does anyone need to know that I don’t know the difference? Hell, no. I can just sit at a table by the window and pretend to look like I’m pondering really important issues while seemingly sipping on some drink that has organic, locally grinded coffee beans that I give a shit about, when in reality, I’m thinking about how often I can get away with wearing a very vampy brick red (poo brown) lipstick during the weekday and my drink is a mocha because I like chocolate a lot and bitter coffee not enough. Basically, you can front like you actually know enough about coffee to go to a place that supposedly makes great coffee. Fake it till you make it. Side note, anyone under the age of 30 who can tell me they can “detect notes” of anything in any beverage, be it coffee or wine, deserves a stomp to the genitals. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT, BUD, STOP IT.
  5. You’ll find a boyfriend/girlfriend – I have yet to prove this particular point, but I’m confident I will soon. I mean, hello, look at me. I’m wearing a vampy brick red lipstick at 2 in the afternoon and writing on my cute little Macbook with a pink shell. Who’s not gonna fall in love with me, you know?
So what I’m trying to say with all of this is go and get yourself an Indie Coffee Passport. That way you can enjoy some free drinks, see parts of the city you normally might not go to and if you’re lucky, we can go together and you’ll have the hottest and most rageful lady as your date.
And no, I’m not being paid to say these things. I know that’s pretty shocking since you’d think because I am such a big deal and have so much clout that you’d think this was a sponsored blog post (that header banner at the top is obviously very expensive and fancy).
*Author’s Note: This post was ironically written at a Starbucks*

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