If you live anywhere in the world that has a summer season, you will probably have experienced the agony of a really hot, sticky, humid, disgusting, grimy day. Today was that kind of day. It was hot enough that I could tolerate people constantly talking about how hot it was, instead of wishing them dead for their inanity. On a day where it feels like you’re whole entire body is that guy who’s face melts off in Raider’s of the Lost Ark, it’s pretty hard to feel glamourous.
Please note, I said “hard to feel glamourous” not “impossible to feel glamourous so you shouldn’t even bother trying.” Here are my tips on how to stay glam even when it’s hotter than a butthole outside.
- Wear a pretty dress – Like, do I really need to elaborate on this one? The main advantage to wearing a pretty dress, other than you’re wearing a pretty dress, is the fact that it’s automatically going to be cooler than wearing any other alternative. You wanna wear shorts or even pants? Fine, go ahead. I’ll just wear this skirt so my sweaty nether regions get the appropriate ventilation that’ll prevent them from overheating and then dying. The major drawback is that your thigh skin will rub together and create a mini fire in your crotch. But I figure you can put that out just by fanning your skirt. Also, if you’re anything like me, your thighs/butt sweat excessively to the point where it feel like you actually wet yourself and then you get really scared that you didn’t even notice that you peed your pants, but it’s fine because ultimately you didn’t, so at least you’ve got a natural lubrication that helps the two Christmas hams you call thighs glide smoothly past each other.
- Wear your hair up – Always wanted to try that cute messy bun/French twist/super-glam super-high ponytail? Now’s the time. There’s nothing worse than having your hair matted to your sweaty upper lip. Girls with short hair, this is your season, so keep on doing what you do. For a few months out of the year, us long-haired girls will envy you. Actually, not really, I can always put my hair up to cool down, you can’t instantly grow hair. Ha ha. NOTE TO ANN: DON’T EVER CUT YOUR HAIR YOU ALWAYS HATE YOURSELF FOR IT.
- Wear makeup – I know. You don’t want to. Trust me, it’s worth it. I’m not suggesting you wear what you normally do, but I’m demanding that you at least consider waterproof mascara and liner, cream blush, and tinted moisturizer OR wearing foundation/concealer only in problem areas. Let’s keep it real: Every single person is gonna look the same at around 3:00 in the afternoon: like a wet fart. Do yourself a favour and at least look somewhat presentable leading up to that point.
- Stay hydrated – I know that’s a bit of a nerd one, but there’s nothing glamourous about being passed out on the street because you decided that an iced coffee was good enough to hydrate you. News flash: It’s not. Drink water. The only time it’s glamceptable (glam + acceptable) for your to fall on your face in public is if you’re wearing sky-high stilettos and you’re drunk as fuck and you fell down because you were yelling at a potted plant for being a bitch.
- Wear big sunglasses – Everyone knows the size of your sunglasses are proportional to the size of your ego, so slap on those Jennifer Lopez-sized shades and strut down that street like you own it.
- Hang out at a Shopper’s Drug Mart – In my sweaty travels, I’ve discovered this is easily the coldest store. I guess you have to keep it a cool 15 degrees so those weird red and green Life brand spider gummies don’t set on fire? I don’t know, but the point is, if you’re lucky like me, the lady in the pharmacy is doing a presentation on sunscreen and is bribing people to listen to it with free face cream samples (ironically none of which have SPF).
I did all of those things today, and I gotta tell you, I am for sure someone you wanna aspire to be like.
Here’s a picture I took of myself at the end of the day today.