This is about New Years resolutions

It’s 9:55 pm on January 1st and my brain has regained full functionality. It was touch and go for a while, but we made it so let’s consider that 2013 first great accomplishment. As I was lying in bed wanting death to come to me for the better half of the day, I decided to make some New Years resolutions. I haven’t really subscribed to that tradition in the past couple of years because I’m a firm believer in if you’re not happy with how something is going in your life, fucking fix it yourself. Now.  Why should we wait for a specific date to better our own circumstances? So we can have secret competitions in our heads against our friends to see who breaks their resolutions first and feel just a bit better about ourselves in someone else’s failure?


Resolutions are just a list of promises you make to yourself that you will just end up breaking, not because you’re a terrible person, but because life happens. I was watching Cityline as a glamour girl is wont to do and 1 in 10,000 people will actually keep their resolutions. That means 9,999 are feeling pretty shitty about themselves by February. That’s a great way to start off the new year, failing at an arbitrary list of things you think need to change about your life.

But I get it. We make nice lists that we can check off and feel a sense of accomplishment because that’s a nice feeling. And who doesn’t like nice feelings? I like them very much, so I’ve decided this year to make a couple of resolutions. I’m making them realistic and specific because the more specific they are, the easier they are to visualize, and the easier they are to visualize, the easier they are to accomplish. I’m also making them public because then I’ll have to be held accountable for them. There’s no greater way to keep yourself in check than with peer pressure.


  1. Be more emotionally honest and open – Oh, we getting real FAST. This isn’t to say that I’m emotionally dishonest, but I’m a very guarded person when it comes to matters of the heart. I would rather be dipped in blood and be eaten alive by piranhas than let someone hurt me. And apparently thinking like that isn’t doing me any favours in the romantic department. I’ve been told by more than enough people recently that I don’t make myself vulnerable enough and that I need to express that more. So I will. In 2013, I will try to be more emotionally communicative and put myself out there. And as a sub-resolution to this, I will go on a real date by February. Not a “hang out,” not “chilling,” or any other term boys love to use in an attempt to avoid labelling things and remain emotionally ambiguous. Feel free to ask me out, all cute boys of the world!
  2. Be more patient with people – I get annoyed very quickly. And I go from annoyance to full on rage in an even shorter amount of time. I just don’t like a lot of things, okay? I hate repeating myself, I have little to no patience for illogical people, I will shut down immediately as soon as I feel like I’m being told to think/feel/act a certain way, I hate people who stop in, before or directly after doorways. In 2013, I will take a deep breath, pause, and not go bat-shit crazy when my mom asks me for the 240958th time how to upload a picture on Facebook using her phone (even though I know she knows how to do it because she posts weird picture of our front yard and my dad all the time). However, I will remain rageful and stabby towards those assholes who stop in doors. MOVE FORWARD, DIPSHIT, IT’S VERY EASY YOU’VE BEEN DOING IT THE ENTIRE TIME.
  3. Save $200 by March – I know this isn’t really much, but I am one of the most financially irresponsible people ever and I only make money to spend it. And that needs to stop because I am a grown-ass woman and I don’t need 20 new nail polishes, which is how many I can buy with $200. Just kidding. Of course I need 20 new nail polishes. But I still do need to save money so let’s start slow and small. 2013: The year of financial stability one dollar at a time!
  4. Wear more glitter – Is this even possible? 2013 is the year we find out! As a self-proclaimed glamour monster, I’ve gone to great lengths to make glitter more socially acceptable. Most people think that glitter on an adult woman should only be allowed on the big party occasions: Christmas, New Years, Halloween, birthdays, bachelorette parties. If you’re one of these people, you should resolve to wear more glitter and remove the loser stick shoved firmly up your battyhole. I hereby resolve to wear glitter once a week at least.
  5. No booze until my birthday on March 28th – This will be the hardest. I spend at least 2 nights of my week at a bar because my super glamour job of “hilarious babe” requires me to. Also, don’t get it twisted, I don’t always need to drink, but do I love getting hammered? Yes. But if this morning’s horrible hangover taught me anything, it’s that my aged body just can’t take it as well as it used to. Or maybe my body just respects itself enough to not tolerate me abusing it with a horrifying mix of White Russians, Fireball whisky, marshmallow vodka and straight Baileys. I figure this will also help me save some funds, thus positively reinforcing my third resolution. Maybe I’ll just start drinking glitter. That definitely can’t go wrong.
What are your resolutions? I hope it’s to smooch me more. It’s not too late to make it that!

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