It’s New Year’s Eve eve so you’ve got some very important things to think about. What are you wearing? Is it gonna be too cold to not wear tights under your dress? Do you have enough booze to get you through the pre-game before hitting the bar a gross, sloppy but glittery mess? But the most important question of all:
Who are you gonna smooch at midnight?
Now, if you’re in a relationship, this is probably gonna be a very easy question to answer. But if you’re a very single lady like me, you’ve got some options to consider as well as some variables you might not have realized you should be taking into account.
Where you at, shawty?
Before we even begin talking about who the lucky recipient of your smooch is gonna be, we gotta think about your location. Where you end up on the night can hinder or help your success rate of finding an acceptable smooch. Staying home? Unless you plan on trolling Craigslist or you’re really close with your neighbour, you will probably not get any action whatsoever. Are you going to an intimate gathering with all your closest friends who are already paired off? Again, you aren’t gonna get any action unless you’re a terrible home wrecker. If this is the case, shame on you, you are NOT glam. It goes without saying, but the more populated the party you go to, the more likely it is you’ll find someone worthy enough of shoving your fabulous tongue down their throat. If you go to a party full of friends and friends of friends, yo girl, GET IT DID. It’s a holiday so most singles are acutely aware of just how single they are and are probably willing to put themselves out there more in the hopes of having a memorable night, so might as well take full advantage and TWERK. IT.
If you’ve decided to go smooch fishing in a public place, take into account what kind of establishment you’re in. If you’re in a swanky place or a restaurant or I don’t know, a country club, where having public fun is okay so long as it’s quiet and dignified (aka the very definition of NOT FUN), maybe don’t mouth-assault someone on top of the table. But if you’re in a super dark and noisy bar or club or basically anywhere on King Street, all systems are a go. Just please make sure your bodily fluids stay in your body (I’m talking to you, girl getting finger-banged and then ACTUALLY PLOWED INTO at Century Room that one time I went. Re-evaluate your life). If you’re in a place that’s neither snotty or full of skeazers, a regular smooch on the dance floor or bar at midnight is acceptable. After all, everyone else is probably gonna be kissing or cheersing or throwing up in the bathroom so no one’s gonna judge you let alone pay attention to you.
Level of un-soberness
I’m gonna go ahead and assume you’re drunk. Why not, right? If you’re the type that “can have fun with no alcohol” I applaud you to your face and feel burning jealousy because I’m not. Anyway, we all need varying levels of booze to be less inhibited so let’s think about that. Not enough white wine spritzers can make you self-conscious, but too many white wine spritzers can make you UNconscious. Being somewhere between the two is where you should be. Finding the confidence to kiss someone, whether they’re a friend, a stranger, your crush (more of this later) is hard for most of us, so why not find some bravado in your wine glass? Just remember though, once you’ve hit that point of no return, the only thing you’re gonna be making out with is a toilet or the floor when you fall straight on your face while trying to grind to “Sweat” by Inner Circle. Trust me on this one, the shame of losing your balance while “sexily” dancing to arguably the ’90s best/worst reggae song doesn’t leave you. Ever.
Fix your face
You wearing lipstick? No? What does that have anything to do with this? Well, when you inevitably find your lip partner, you might be ass-to-the-wind drunk like I told you not to get (no judgment though, it happens). So you might get your midnight kiss, but then lose track of them. However, if you’ve applied the requisite 5 layers of lipstick I’m suggesting you to, that person is gonna have a shit-ton of lipstick smeared on their face. You’d be pretty unsurprised at how easy it is to find a guy when he looks like he made out with a bowl of strawberry sauce. Also it will likely prohibit other ladies to try and lay claim to that boy’s lips if it’s already covered in your colour. YOU’RE WELCOME.
Stranger danger or Friender ender?
So now you’re wherever you decided you wanted to go to. You’ve had a bit to drink and you’re feeling good. You’re wearing as much lipstick as a sexy clown would. Great. Look around. Who do you see? Randoms? Acquaintances? Friends? Enemies? Who you end up smooching may or may not have actual consequences so consider your options. Each type of person has their pluses and minuses: Randos you never need to face again, but you also don’t know if they have mouth-jaundice. Acquaintances and friends are easier to find and less risky than randos, but that means everyone you both know will probably see or find out about and you might not wanna deal with that. Enemies? MAKE THEM FALL IN LOVE YOU AND USE IT TO DESTROY THEM. Maybe you have a secret crush? This is probably as good a time as any to reveal that or just to go in for a kiss and then pull a Jamie Foxx and blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol to offset some of the weirdness. Just go for it! You’re already 7 spritzers deep, go for the gold.
Who you kiss also depends on what your endgame is. Are you looking just to have a good time? Awesome. Smooch whoever you please and don’t sweat it. But if you’re looking for the love of your life, maybe save that very special kiss for another occasion, where there’s slightly fewer people around who are only in it to win it for one night. Something about the holidays makes us want to attach special meanings to everything that happens, probably because deep down inside and all we want is love and to be loved. That means what you thought might’ve been a “moment” was just someone trying to get their smooch on. Actually, you know what? Fuck that. KISS WHO YOU WANT! GET YO DICKY STICKY, SON! GET DAT PINKY STINKY, GIRL! POP DAT PUSSY! SMOOOOOOOOOCH LIKE THERE’S NO TOMORROW!
What I’m trying to say here is I’M GONNA KISS EVERYONE THAT I SEE AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME.
HAPPY GLAM NEW YEARS, EVERYBODY!