Dear Shoppers Drug Mart,
I hate you. But I also love you. I hate to love you? I love to hate you? I don’t know. We have a very complicated relationship. While it’s true you don’t really satisfy my makeup needs (because I’m a slave to labels aka MAC), there’s something about you that makes me spend way more than I have to on stuff I for sure don’t need.
Maybe it’s the fact that you’re so convenient? I go to you when I need to pick up a few essentials: toothpaste, shampoo, a big bag of Miss Vicki’s Jalapeno chips. Once I get what I need, I always end up thinking “Well, while I’m here… Might as well look around” and that is where things go very, very wrong. As soon as I see your flimsy sale stickers hanging off the shelves, I’m drawn to you like a mosquito is drawn to a cup of sugar water left out for the sole purpose of KILLING MOSQUITOES. Hold up, this Aveno daily microexfoliant is on sale? I don’t care that I’ve already stockpiled 3 bottles of this at home, I NEED TO HAVE IT. THIS IS A GREAT DEAL.
Maybe it’s the fact that your Optimum reward points makes me think I’m contributing to a greater good (that greater good being future purchases). I can’t pass up the opportunity to get 1000 extra Optimum points if I buy 3 or more products from Rimmel even though Rimmel is THE CRUDDIEST LINE IN THE UNIVERSE. So what if it takes me literally a year to earn enough points to get $25 off? I’m just gonna buy shit I don’t need with that anyway, so who even cares, right? Right? Thinking about it, I used to be so good with those “Buy $50 and get 20x the points” weekends. I would plan out what I’d be needing soon and hold off on buying them until I could really get more bang for my buck. But now I just go crazy and buy everything all the time. I guess it’s not really your fault, Shoppers Drug Mart, that I have zero self-control when it comes to making beauty investments like dry shampoo and powder volumizer, which are basically the same thing. Did I buy them both? Yes. Do I regret it? No.
Or maybe it’s the fact that halfway through my shopping trip, I inevitably end up needing to poo, so instead of putting down everything I’ve picked up, I quickly head straight to the cash register and buy every single impulse item I’ve got in my greedy, well-manicured hands.
And don’t think I’m unaware of your sly tricks. I won’t be fooled by your Beauty Boutique and the increased presence of high-end brands like Dior, Lancome, Clinique, Smashbox, Guerlain, Benefit and Too Faced. I admit, I’ve been lured in by your siren song, but then I quickly remember that most of those brands are for old ladies. I will not be robbed of my youth yet, Shopper’s Beauty Boutique. Also stop trying to shove Lise Watier down my throat. I don’t care if the products are good, I just think that company is for lady duds.
So there it is, Shoppers Drug Mart. It’s really not your fault that I just can’t get enough of you and your wares. You’re no better than a whore who sells herself for money, but I’m no better than that seedy John who wants to pick you up and make gross, sewagey love to you in a dark dumpster.