This is about makeup on a hot day

Don’t. Just… don’t.

I know, I know, who the eff am I to tell anyone what to do, especially when it comes to makeup. Not only do I usually love makeup and champion it to the ends of the Earth, but more importantly, I ain’t your boss! I can’t tell you what to do! Except, ha ha, just kidding, yes I can. You just don’t have to listen.

It wasn’t that long ago when I totally believed you could wear a full face of makeup and still twerk, but after a day like today, when it was +40 degrees with humidity, I see the folly in my youthful ways. Makeup in the summer time is like getting a drink at last call even though you stopped drinking an hour ago: You think it’s a good idea and then you do it, and then you hate yourself and question every decision that brought you here. Both scenarios will leave you looking a hot mess. Don’t be a hot mess.

TRUTH TALK: Barely anybody actually looks immaculate and put together in the summer. It’s almost impossible to do. Between the sun quite literally burning the first layer of your skin, the humidity, and the unbearable heat, everything is working against you. The only people who manage to look perfect in the summer is the people who don’t go outside. So unless you’re a multi-millionaire who can afford being chauffeured around in a town car with the AC blasting, you’re gonna need to go outside. And sometimes, you’re gonna need to look good. And it’s totally possible, if you manage your expectations and follow some of these tips from ol’ Glammie.

  • Sweat: IT’S GONNA HAPPEN – Get over it. You physiologically cannot stop this inevitability so don’t try to do your makeup like you would in the spring, fall or winter or any other time of the year when sweat isn’t omnipresent. You’re gonna be sweating 90% of the day, but here’s the bright side, so is everyone else! We’re all on the same sweat drenched, oily-faced, butt-stinking playing field. The standard of how your face looks is considerably lower than in any other season, so just lean into it.
  • Say “Fuck You” to foundation – I don’t care what anybody tells me, powder, cream, liquid, it’s all gonna end up sliding down to your neck or on that napkin you keep dabbing your sweaty upper lip with. There’s no way in hell your foundation is going to stay put when it’s over 35 degrees. It always takes me about 3 days of wearing foundation to remember that my face actually sweats MORE when I’m wearing it. So I say fuck it. I don’t need it. My skin is already naturally glowy from the sun I’m getting. And so what if I’m a bit shiny? It’s my natural luminescence coming out! Why else does anyone waste their money on that BB cream shit? Summer is like the ultimate BB cream. Seriously though, don’t be a hero. Foundation is for fucking dum-dums.
  • BLOT, BLOT, BLOT – As I’ve already said way too much, you’re gonna be sweaty. You can help reduce some of the shine by using those cute little blotting papers that you always seem to get from your relatives who don’t know what they’re for. Side note: If you’re around your guy friends when you bust these out, they will always take the bait and ask to use one. And there is nothing cuter than seeing a dude blot his T-zone only to look at the paper and get grossed out by what his own dumb face produced.
I used to think these were edible as a child.
  • Focus on your lips – Not usually a lipstick girl? Well, summer’s a great time to try it out. Lipstick is the easiest way to make it look like you give a shit and it also doesn’t make you sweat more like putting something on your face would. And as an added bonus, the more opaque the colour, the more protection you get from the sun’s harmful rays! Everyone’s always yelling at me to put on sunscreen (no), but they always overlook the fact that their lips need sunscreen too. Pucker up, baby, now’s the time to try that bright, beautiful coral colour that you think you can’t pull off. YES YOU CAN!
  • Get good at putting on eyeliner  – In the summer, I only ever wear liquid liner, mascara and a bold lip (bronzer if I’m feeling fancy). I don’t think I’ve put on any eyeshadow at all during the day time because, again, it’s just gonna end up under my eyes. However, a really good liquid eyeliner (I use MAC’s Superslick Liquid Eyeliner in On The Hunt) to define your eyes goes a long way in glamourtown.
  • Waterproof is your friend – Huge duh. Waterproof mascara and eyeliner is the only way to go. You know, in case your face sweats so hard that people mistake your sweat for tears and then you start to cry for real because that’s super embarrassing.
This idiot was crying on a Ferris wheel because it was too scary AND she didn’t wear waterproof makeup. WHAT A FUCKING LOSER.

That’s what I do: eyeliner, mascara and lipstick. That’s it. Now, as a tanned caramel-skinned goddess, I can afford to not wear blush so I guess add that if you want. But I can’t emphasize this enough, anything that goes on your face will just dissolve away with your sweat, so why even bother? Also you’re probably already gonna be ruddy and flushed. You don’t really sweat out of your eyes and lips so focus on those areas to add colour, pop and glam on those hot summer days.

And to all my dames who “HAVE TO WEAR MAKEUP,” I get it. Reading some ornery Filipina chick’s opinion on a BLOGGER website isn’t quite the authority on all things glam that I wish it was. Nothing I say can convince you to not put on a full face of foundation. So if you must, absolutely MUST wear a full face of makeup, just don’t go outside. Simple as that. And if you do go outside, make sure you plot out the nearest air conditioned place for you to take a little break in so your face doesn’t slide down into your tits.

I’ve used this picture before and I will continue to use it until you get the hint: FULL MAKEUP IN THE SUMMER IS A BAD IDEA.

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