Here’s something that’s not a secret: I like boys.
Here’s something that’s probably also not a secret: I like weird boys.
Now, I’m not talking about strange, quirky, introverted boys, because I firmly believe those boys are just would-be murderers. What I’m talking about is far less threatening, because the weird boys that I have huge crushes on are of the fictional variety. And sometimes of the half monster persuasion. Ladies and the one or two gentlemen that might read this, I present to you:
Tonight I watched Hellboy II: The Golden Army and I was reminded of my undying boner for Hellboy (and as a slight extension, Ron Perlman). Here are some of the reasons why I think Hellboy is super hot and gives me super Hellboners.
- He loves cats and babies. Even though he’s a demon from hell, Hellboy effing loves cats and is a protector of babies, which means he’s got a real sensitive and nurturing side. Even though he’s kind of got a temper, he very clearly cares deeply about those he loves and what’s hotter than a man that would cross over to the other side just to get your soul back? SWOON. He’s also a great example that nurture is more important than nature, so good for you, Mr. Bruttenholm, on raising a caring, albeit spicy in temperament, son. Also R.I.P.
- Hot thicky body – I’m gonna be honest. I put “hot body” as the first reason, but then decided against it because I want this list to be taken seriously. This list outlining the reasons why I think a fictional demon monster is sexy. Anyway, Hellboy has a classic thicky, wrestler-esque body that I totally drool over. He’s also got mad swagger and you can tell he takes pride in his personal appearance, on account of him never wearing a shirt under his trench coat. And honestly, why should he? He’s got a frigging 8-pack. Show off what your witch mama gave you, Hellboy. Plus his stone hand has some thicky fingers. Just saying.
- He files down his demon horns so he can look more normal, which is basically the same thing as me filing my nails and putting on nail polish. Clearly Hellboy can appreciate a person who tries to achieve a certain aesthetic. He’s going for the brawny demon-next door look while I go for the overly-done-up glamazon look. One in the same. I can just picture us settled in on a crisp fall night, watching Netflix with a bowl of salty-sweet popcorn, while I give his horns a manicure. Now that’s amore.
- His real name is “Anung un Rama.” Just think of all the possible celeb names we could have! Anung un Pornama, Annung Pornelma, AnnRama, and my personal favourite is definitely Annung un Glama.
- He’s got this devil-may-care attitude that so many antiheroes have, and he’s pretty much perfected the bad-boy renegade persona. Clear example: He does NOT get along with Jeffrey Tambor because Jeffrey Tambor is all “Follow the rules blah blah blah, don’t let anyone see you because you will rightfully terrify them because you’re a monster blah blah blah.” Just lay off, the man, Hellboy’s gonna do Hellboy and there ain’t nothing you can do to stop it. Unless he wants you to. Then it becomes, who’s gonna be the one to tame this beast, you know? Or more accurately, who’s gonna be the one that he lets inside to see the real him, while he shows the rest of the world his hardened exterior? ME PLEASE.
- His dad is Prince of Sheol, which makes him next in line for the royal throne of the abode of death. Ergo, vis-a-vis I would basically be the new Kate Middleton except I don’t have a sister stealing away attention at my royal wedding with her Alexander McQueen bridesmaid dress (bitch). Now excuse me while I go topless sunbathing in France. Don’t tell the paparazzi.
Also Ron Perlman is wearing as much makeup as Hellboy as I do on the regular, so obvi that makes him super glam. Hot sexy. Even for an old grosso, or maybe especially for an old grosso. Double also, Ron Perlman visited a child with leukemia in complete Hellboy attire as part of this sick little boy’s Make A Wish. So if your heart doesn’t swell at that, you’re a more awful than the Ogdru Jahad.
Well, I think I’ve adequately revealed my insanity and that I know way too much about the Hellboy canon. Keep an eye out for my upcoming post detailing all the reasons why I think Dr. Hannibal Lecter is sexy as futt. Okay, so maybe I do have a thing for murders.