So I’m going to a friend’s wedding in September and, IF I SO CHOOSE, can bring a date. Now let’s keep it real: I’m a single, sassy, fierce, independent lady and I don’t need a date – I’ve got wicked friends and we know how to have fun. I could easily go solo and have as good a time, if not better, but who doesn’t love the chance to dress up real nice and then have someone on their arm?
This is a list of requirements my potential date will need to fulfill before I even think of considering bringing them as my +1.
- You gotta be a babe – Pretty straightforward. I don’t need to know what I’m wearing yet to make the bold statement that I WILL LOOK LIKE A DAMN FINE HONEY, so naturally, I’m gonna need someone who can look almost as hot as me. Almost. You can try, but you won’t succeed.
- You gotta be a babe who looks even babelier in a suit – I honestly don’t know a single man who doesn’t look better in a nice, ironed, sharp suit so maybe this one is redundant. But I guess it does need to be said if only to make clear that you MUST wear a full suit. None of this “just a clean shirt” business or no jacket and/or tie. Also don’t think for a damn second you can get away without wearing a tie that’s not some bold colour like pink or royal purple or that really sexy blue that I see on Le Chateau mannequins all the time. I swear to God those mannequins are total hunks. Over share? Too bad, shut up.
Break me off a piece o’ dat.
- You gotta know how to hold a conversation – Weddings are tough because you’re gonna be in an environment where you probably don’t know any one. That’s why this particular skill is so important. Nobody wants to babysit their date, especially me. I’ve got people to talk to, food to eat, wedding speeches to bawl hysterically over. Do both of us a favour and know how to talk to people because I’m gonna be too popular (weepy) to talk to you the entire time. Also, major points if you can socialize without sounding/acting/being a huge weirdo.
- You gotta dance – If this is a non-negotiable for you, you can eff right off. Not only do I need a man who can slow dance with me, but I need a man who can sing/rap all the words to any and all Will Smith that is played (I’m just gonna go ahead and assume that Will Smith is automatically on the playlist). You don’t even need to be a good dancer, in fact, if you’re a shitty dancer, I will probably love that even more. Just don’t step on my feet because you might scuff my pedi and I will straight up murder your butt if that happens.
- You gotta have at least a little bit of romance in your heart – And I don’t mean you’re gonna hit on me the entire time (even though you will, because as I already said, I’m gonna be smoking hot). I mean, remember that you’re at a wedding. Weddings are inherently full of love, happiness, hope, blah, blah, blah, gross, smoochy shmoopies. I don’t want some bozo sneering or being cynical saying how marriage is bullshit. Save that shit for someone who cares about your opinion. The only reason you’re here is because I think you’re a babe who’ll make out with me.
- You gotta shower me with diamonds – Okay, no you don’t. I figured I might as well put that out there in case any millionaires who love busty Filipinas that yell too much read this and want to shower me with diamonds.
- You gotta be patient – Weddings are beautiful and wonderful, but they’re also long, so don’t effing complain about how hot you are in your suit and how your shoes are pinching you or how the speeches are taking forever and you just wanna get to the bar. Also be patient with me, because I will probably use you as my crutch when my shoes inevitably cut off all blood circulation in my feet. Only I may complain about my shoes, that is unless of course you’re wearing heels (don’t wear heels).
- You gotta keep your damn mouth shut if I quietly ask you to get me another piece of cake and if anyone asks say it’s for you – Enough said.
- You gotta be fun – Bottom line. Don’t be a dink.
Do all of these and we’ll probably take it to Bonetown. Who are we kidding, do any of these and we’ll definitely take it to Bonetown.* Please send your headshot, resume, and 500 word essay on why you think you’re the perfect candidate to be my date.
*For sure we won’t. You gotta put in work and the hours if you wanna get with this piece.