This is about dating

I am not a dater. Never have been.

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It’s not that I’m opposed to dating and relationships or that I even LOOOOOOOOVE being single. I just never made it a priority in my life to actively seek romantic companionship. If it comes to me, great, but if it doesn’t, I’m usually too pre-occupied with a really cute butt to care. But during these past few months of, I guess let’s call them my Growing Pains months, I’ve been feeling especially single, in a way I haven’t ever before. I’ve never felt like I’ve been missing out until now. Obviously I know there’s a ton I’m missing out on, like the serious stuff like love and companionship (ugh barf), and even the less serious stuff like freaking the eff out over a text message and casual smooches (opposite ugh barf). But I’ve never felt sad about not having it because in the back of my head I knew it was just a matter of time before that all came to be for me.

Well, a lot of time has passed and it hasn’t happened, probably because of my lack of effort. I don’t exactly go out on a limb and ask out cute boys. I don’t do that at all. And the only people who ask me out on dates are gross dudes on public transit. On the real, if I had a nickel for every weirdo who woke me up from a nap on the bus (I know… I know… NEVER FALL ASLEEP ON THE BUS) to ask me out, I’d have exactly 5 cents BUT THAT’S STILL TOO MANY CENTS. Anyway, I don’t get asked out for whatever reason. Maybe it’s because I’m intimidating, or I’m very closed-off and guarded, or maybe no one around me can appreciate a loud Asian lady with giant boobs. Or maybe it’s because I’m a terrible flirt with dudes I’m actually interested in and they’ll be the last to know I like them (It’s definitely this). Whatever it is (yo, listen to me, it was that last one), my milkshake is bringing nothing but flies to the yard (It’s that last one. I said that, right? Very clearly that last one).

And so, again, in the spirit of finding myself and doing things out of my comfort zone this summer, I’ve created not only a Tinder account but also one on a dating site. This is a huge step for me. Online dating makes me SUPER anxious even though many of my friends have had incredible success with it (ie MARRIAGE!). It’s not that there’s any stigma to online dating anymore, really, it’s just that I don’t do well with strangers. I know, who does, right? Talking to new people for the sole purpose of trying to date them, to me, ranks just a notch above riding The Leviathan at Canada’s Wonderland under the “Scariest Shit Ever” category. I feel like I stand a better chance of charming someone if they already know me, but clearly this has been proven COMPLETELY FALSE SO FAR IN MY LIFE AS EVIDENCED BY MY SINGLE LADY-NESS.

So it’s time for another change.

I originally joined Tinder as a way to kill time and try to find my guy friends who were on it so I could message them with “Buuuuuuuuusted!” It was easy enough: Just swipe left or right, and feel totally good about yourself when you get matched up with a hot guy. But that’s pretty much all there is to do. The ratio of matches:messages is unsurprisingly low (lots of matches, very few messages) because people tend to use this app to just browse eye candy or look for quick hook-ups. No judgment, of course, you do you.

But it’s not really working for me and my need to find a fun summer fling or whatever. Enter re-activating my old OkCupid profile from my university days. Honestly. I might delete this in the morning. Even as I write this, the little tab at the top of the page is taunting me. I don’t even know how to fill in my bio. Is it jokey? Serious? Coy? Straight to the point? Do I mention my love of butts? Do I keep that on the d.lo? WHAT AM I EVEN GONNA DO?!

Listen. It’s late, I’ve been having a lot of thoughts tonight, none of them really coherent, which you can plainly read here. Basically I just set up a profile on a dating site and I needed to put it out there so I could be okay with it. Even though I’ve willingly written about my dating, or lack thereof, I’m still so cagey about what I say, because paradoxically I love sharing my opinions on things but not my feelings.

Which is why I’m not a dater.

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