Firstly, congratulations on your recent knocked-upness. I honestly can’t wait to see this baby which, by its birth, will have accomplished more than me in all of my 27+ years just by being yours and Jay Z’s child. It’s kind of like that Catholic idea that all babies are born with Original Sin from their parents, except in this case, your baby will be born with Original Glam and Ferocity. Also if you’re baby doesn’t come out of your womb wearing a Dereon denim onesie and bejewelled stiletto heels, I will be hella mad. But ultimately, you know I’ll forgive you, because you’re Queen B.
Anyway, I’m not here to talk about the most influential fetus there ever lived, though I suppose it is related. A few days ago, I watched for the first (and 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th etc etc etc) time your video to “Countdown” and I would just like to say, within the first frame of the video, I was completely and utterly mesmerized with how stunningly gorgeous you looked. I got that weird feeling of “Why can’t I stop thinking about how beautiful Beyonce is and why am I feeling so strongly about it? Do I want to kiss her or something?” It’s very similar to how I feel every time I see Nicki Minaj. As a proud heterosexual lady, it’s as close as I’m gonna get to gay, and trust me, it’s reeeeaaaal close.
I’ve got some serious thinking to do.
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about why I love it with complete abandon. It goes without saying that the song is a wicked, hot jam, but it’s not just that. This video is so happy and bright and vibrant and just glowing. You look so happy! Which is kind of what makes this video so different from all your others. You always look drop-dead gorgeous in your videos, so that’s not what sets this apart. It’s the fact that in all your other videos, you look effing fierce like a lion, except a lion who can crush a man’s head with her thighs instead of her mouth (but you could probably do that too). In this video, instead of being fierce, you just look happy, and the body part that most people are paying attention to isn’t your booty or your legs or your breasts or your hips, but your adorable baby bump. I love so much that you’re showing it off so proudly and that you’re still dancing/rolling on the ground like a true diva would. Not even a developing embryo is gonna stop you from getting on with your fly self. This entire video encapsulates joy and all the happy wonderful feelings ladies must get when they find out they’re expecting. You’re so happy you’re gonna be a mom that you just have to show the world, except you never compromise your wicked hot dance moves.*
This is really awkward, but can someone please tell this lady she is NOT Beyonce?
I’ve also figured out another reason why I’m so enthralled by “Countdown” is because of your hair and makeup, which comes as a surprise to approximately zero people. That cat eye liner with the neutral shadow except for the pop of yellow on the inner corner? Just perfect. The pop of pink on your lips and cheek? Divine. Those lashes? Come on. THE BLUNT BANGS?!?! I swear, it’s like you’re sending me a personal message telling me that everything I’m doing is right and I should keep it up. For the past few months, my go-to look is always a neutral eye with a dramatic winged liner and obviously I’ve got blunt bangs. When I was watching that video, it was like I was looking at myself except 1000000000 times more fierce and also preggo. And don’t for one damn second think I didn’t notice your orange mani on your stiletto nail. I APPROVE.
I spent 7 hours thinking about this today.
I don’t mean to end this love letter on a negative note, but you’ve really caused a problem for me. I had my Halloween costume all figured out this year and already have more than half of it ready to go. But now that I’ve seen this, I wanna drop that and go as you in this video. You’ve really, really put me in a stressful position. I know you didn’t mean to, and as I said earlier, it doesn’t matter anyway because I will always forgive Queen B.
Obsessively lovingly yours,
* I honestly don’t even care about these allegations that you’ve plagiarized choreo (again) because as far as I’m concerned, you do it better all the time with everything there is to do in the world.