I was trolling around the Internets a few weeks ago when I came across a little slide show article at TotalBeauty.com entitled “12 Hair and Makeup Looks Men Hate.” Immediately after having read that, I suffered from a rage blackout. When I came to, I clicked through all the looks and came to the conclusion that according to that article, MEN HATE EVERYTHING.
TRUTH TALK: I, surprise surprise, have a very difficult time putting my feelings into appropriate words that aren’t just swear words. When I hear something, good or bad, my gut reacts instantly, and my brain rarely has time to register what exactly it is I’m feeling. This leads to a lot of arguments or heated exchanges where I say something I don’t mean or worse don’t say out loud how I feel because all I can feel is tension at my lack of expressiveness. So if you’ve ever had the displeasure of talking to me in real life and I’m at a loss for words, it’s because I’m trying to understand my feelings, in the same way a pre-pubescent teen wonders why he/she is feeling tingly in the downstairs area.
Back to this retarded article. I’ve read the article a few times now and have managed to get a grip on my anger and figure out exactly why this article frustrates me.
Rage Against the Machine chose their name based on bullshit articles in women-oriented magazines.
There are a few reasons why this “article” is completely retarded, but they all sort of fit into the major heading of “WHO THE FUCK CARES ABOUT WHAT MEN THINK?!?!?!” Now, for the 3 dudes who happen to be reading this because they Googled “Rage Against the Machine,” I’ve got a few things to say to you: 1. Why are you Googling Rage Against the Machine? What is, this, 2001? YUCK MAN, GET BETTER TASTE IN MUSIC. 2. Don’t get it twisted, I’m not saying “Fuck dudes and their shit opinions.” You’re probably a half decent guy that I would probably have a weird crush on (not really a compliment). I only mean “Fuck dudes and their shit opinions on cosmetics,” because honestly, WHAT THE FUCK DO THEY EVEN KNOW?!?!?!
Guy, can you even tell me what the difference between eye shadow and eye liner are? What a gel liner is? What kind of brush I should use to apply it? NO. YOU CAN’T. So until a dude can tell me even the most basic things, like maybe what is foundation, then I don’t care to know that they think that bangs mean a woman is pretentious or trying to hide something or smokey eyes is like a sea of ink below the eyebrows, which is what the article said.
Why should any fyrce, yndypyndynt, mydyrn lydy care about what men prefer on women’s faces or hairstyles? We’re past that shit. The only person you should be caking on makeup for is your own hot self, not some duddy who probably just rolled out of bed, wiped their face “clean” with a sopping piece of toilet paper and chewed a piece of Dentyne Shiver instead of brushing his teeth before strolling out of the house. And dudes, don’t even try to deny that you haven’t done this at least once, if not on the regular, because I’ve for sure done this in my bleaker days.
I can only think of 5 guys in my whole entire life, 3 of which were gay, to ever comment on my makeup. You know how many of their opinions I cared about?! BUTT. FUCK. NONE. I don’t do my makeup for you, son! I look fierce because that’s what I am. Incidentally, did they comment on it in a complimentary way? Obviously, I’m a hot bitch. But are there many more dudes who probably thought at one point in time: “Whoa, that screamy Tahitian Treat is wearing way too much stuff on her eyes and lips.” If I did my makeup how I intended to, then HELLS YEAH. But guess what? I positively could not give a rat’s anus about that opinion, because I’m not looking to impress those dudes. I’m looking to impress the likes of Will Smith, who obviously loves a woman with a strong sense of self. Proof? JADA AND WILLOW.
I hope my future daughter can also write a powerful anthem about whipping one’s hair.
Basically, what I’m trying to say here is, guys, it’s not your fault and I’m not mad at you. I know you care very deeply about my opinion of you, as can be seen by the many years of singledom I’ve suffered through (suffered? Yeah effing right. Gives me more time to focus on what’s really important: ME). I blame my rage on TotalBeauty.com for writing such an insipid piece of garbage and for making me think, even briefly, that I might care what someone else would think of my makeup and my beauty choices. Hey, TotalBeauty.com, why don’t you try instead to write an article about how what a stone-cold sex fox The Rock is because that would be something I’m way more interested in.
Please, sir, can I have some more?
Also, trust me, the irony is not lost that I just called TotalBeauty.com “insipid” on a goddamn makeup/beauty/glam blog where I also posted a picture of a beefy guy with no shirt on, not even three sentences after.
What I thought was gonna be an empowered message to ladies to go on with their bad selves has unsurprisingly just turned into me raging against the man(chine) so I’ll stop now.
But seriously, The Rock? I just want a bite, you know?